Why Giving Love Is More Comfortable Than Receiving It When You Have an Anxious Attachment Style (+ How to Get Comfortable Doing Both)
“You deserve more.”
These words were said to me time + time again in regards to the people I was “seeing,” (aka, sleeping with but wouldn’t call me their girlfriend).
I agreed with these words cognitively--I knew on some level I was worthy of more--but my deeper self struggled to fully believe them. I wanted to think I was worthy of someone’s undivided time and attention, of respect and of being committed to, and of being loved even if I wasn’t perfect, but the trail of my failed relationships had me wondering if I really was.
I wondered, if I was worthy of more, why was I always attracting people who I’d give my entire being to but who only gave me breadcrumbs in return? Why was I dating people who said they cared about me but who I felt ignored or used by? And why was I putting up with people who I was there for whenever they needed me but who never made me feel like they’d do the same for me?
What I didn’t know at the time is that I have an Anxious attachment style -- one of the two main insecure forms of relationship attachment -- and us Anxious types tend to know worthiness more as a distant concept than as a tangible feeling.
In this article, I’ll explain why people with Anxious attachment styles struggle to believe they’re worthy of love, thus leading them to be in relationships where they feel more comfortable giving love than receiving it. I’ll also cover some ways to start feeling your worth in your body + heart, as well as in your magnificent mind!
WHAT DOES “WORTH” EVEN FEEL LIKE?
OK, sit back wherever you are right now and take a deep breath in. Let it out slowly, then do it again while continuing to pay attention to the sensation of your breath in your body. That feeling -- that sensation -- that’s worth.
While we may liken self-worth to self-esteem or confidence, I believe at its most basic level worth is simply the objective observation that we are living beings, and as such, are deserving of love. It’s a simple knowing that we are an intelligent being; an inward acknowledgement of whatever is alive inside us at this very moment.
We are worthy because we exist. Period.
Don’t believe me? Consider this: would we say a baby, or a pet, or a tree isn’t “worthy” of being loved, just because they don’t “do” anything to earn it? We would not. We know a baby or a pet or a tree are--without question--worthy of love, and so we happily give them our attention, time, and respect.
So why is it so damn hard to feel the same way about ourselves?
GROWING UP WITH CORE WOUNDS
Many of us know on a certain level that we are lovable. If we were raised in a home with even one loving parent, we likely are somewhat familiar with the sensation of feeling loved. We also may know that our close friends or extended family love us. However, believing we are “worthy of love” is distinct because it’s deeply rooted in how we feel about ourselves, and thus, how we allow others to treat us.
In today’s white supremacist, patriarchal world, there is a LOT of societal conditioning that tells us we shouldn’t feel worthy of love and attention. Women, BIPOC, and LGBTQ in particular have received messages all their lives that they are less than because of what is (or isn’t) between their legs, or the people they love, or the color of their skin, or the culture they were born into.
In addition to these societal factors are our attachment wounds, aka, the scars that are left when our emotional and/or physical needs go unmet by a caregiver or another significant person in our life. These wounds often go on to dictate how we feel about ourselves in future, adult relationships.
LOVE IS A BASIC NEED
Let’s go back to our baby-pet-tree example for a moment. Each of these things are living beings that are dependent on us to survive. They need us to survive; to feed them, to give them water + warmth, but also, to give them attention + love.
John Bowlby, who coined the term Attachment Theory while studying bonds in parents + children, taught us that love is a basic survival need, as important as food, water, and shelter. It’s the reason why we have an Attachment System -- hormones and neurotransmitters that work to bond us to each other. In essence, we are designed to want to give and receive love.
Because of this, a child who is emotionally ignored, neglected, or unacknowledged comes to learn that intimacy cannot be trusted, and their ability to give and/or receive love becomes stunted.
WHY ANXIOUS TYPES GIVE MORE LOVE THAN THEY RECEIVE
Hopefully you’re starting to understand why close relationships are so important to our feeling of safety in the world. This is particularly true for Anxious attachment types, who long for closeness but struggle to feel safely seen + heard in their relationships.
People with Anxious attachments are typically raised with one caregiver who is consistently emotionally present and another who is inconsistently emotionally present. This means that the child can expect their one consistent caregiver to give them regular acknowledgement, but are always unsure whether that second caregiver will acknowledge their need or dismiss it in some way.
This inconsistency creates anxiety in the child, who comes to long for the closeness from their Secure attachment figure, but are always waiting for when their second attachment figure will pull away.
Soon, they start to question if they are worthy of love as a subconscious fear that they will be abandoned and/or rejected by their second caregiver emerges.
WHAT WORTH HAS TO DO WITH EXPRESSING OUR NEEDS
Because of this wounding, Anxiously attached people learn to seek validation from others in order to feel better, rather than learning to soothe ourselves. Knowing that someone likes or approves of us calms our Attachment System and makes us feel at ease. Because of this, Anxious types turn into highly sensitive, emotionally intelligent people who are extremely in tune with our loved ones wants and needs in the hope that we can anticipate those needs and avoid being abandoned.
And so we give them everything in the hopes that they’ll simply keep us in their lives, even if they’re not reciprocating the way we want them to.
What’s more is that with a fear of rejection + abandonment constantly lurking beneath the surface, us Anxiously attached people come to believe that our needs are not worthy of being acknowledged, and so we keep them quiet and carry on with the relationship.
This lack of honest communication can build up an internal resentment that may lead to exploding in anger, threatening to leave, or ignoring our partner altogether.
At the end of the day, Anxious types stay in these one-sided relationships or go through many similar relationships because these relationships feel familiar, comfortable, and prove to us that the limiting beliefs we hold about ourselves are true.
GETTING COMFORTABLE WITH RECEIVING LOVE
When we’ve moved through life with an Anxious attachment style, it can be challenging at first to shift to a more Secure way of being, where we feel comfortable both giving and receiving love, equally.
If you’re Anxious like me, chances are you’ll never fully stop feeling that familiar anxiety intimate relationships can trigger. But the good news is that that’s OK! Being fully Secure isn’t actually the goal. Rather, the goal is to understand where your anxiety comes from so that you can communicate it to the important people in your life.
Here are a few tips to help you start balancing the love you give with the love you receive:
Practice expressing your needs—like, a lot.
The more you start to say how you actually feel, the more you’ll come to realize that people actually respect it when you set boundaries and let them know what you need. Plus, the more we do something, the easier it becomes!
If you want some in depth advice on how to communicate through the lens of Attachment Theory, grab my Conscious Communication Mini Course right HERE while it’s available at its intro rate of $69 through 2/28/21! (It will live on my website at $99 after that).
Let go of people who make you feel bad about yourself.
Did you know that humans have something called mirror neurons in our brain that allow us to observe and mimic the people around us? They’re the reason we yawn when someone else does. This is why who we let in our lives and how we let them treat us is so damn important. If someone is making you feel like shit about yourself time and time again, guess how you’ll probably end up feeling on a regular basis?
Of course letting certain people go is easier said than done, but who we let in our lives and how we let them treat us is always a choice. It may not be a simple choice and it may require effort on your part, but at the end of the day, it’s still up to you.
Work on self-soothing when you feel triggered.
If you’re working through an Anxious attachment wound, it’s likely you look to others to make you feel better when your emotions are high. While this is by no means wrong, (and while I suggest having people in your life who are happy to reassure you), it’s a healthy practice to start learning how to soothe yourself, as well.
A big part of this is learning how to talk to yourself in moments when your fight-or-flight response is in high gear. Taking a moment to journal or be alone with your thoughts will help take you back into your logical brain where you will be thinking more clearly + can control how kindly you speak to yourself.
Simply say “thank you” when someone gives you a compliment.
As a longtime member of the Anxiously attached club, I know that it can feel uncomfortable when someone gives me a compliment. This is part of that whole self-worth bit, and is therefore a great way to start feeling comfortable receiving love. So next time someone gives you a compliment, rather than coming up with reasons why you don’t deserve it, try sitting with the compliment (as uncomfortable as it may feel) and simply say “thank you”!
Cultivate some form of embodiment practice.
Somatic therapy, breath work, yoga, and meditation are all great ways to get us in our bodies and connect us energetically to our true worth.
The form of meditation I practice that I believe does this particularly well is called Vipassana, which helps us get used to feeling the sensations in our body, without labeling or judging them with our mind.
Grab my free 15 minute Guided Vipassana Meditation HERE to start learning how to accept yourself fully — heart, body, and mind!