How to Set Healthy Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty
“Love knows no bounds.”
This phrase colored my idea of love for years. I used to believe that loving someone meant opening myself up to them fully + completely, in both body and soul. I thought in doing this they would be inspired by my boundless love and show me the same love in return.
This false belief led me to have what I call my “internalized boundary guilt,” whereby I would guilt myself into justifying my lack of personal boundaries. I thought if I set a boundary that someone didn’t like and they rejected me or left, I would be to blame.
I’ve since learned (the hard way!) that giving everything of ourselves to someone without any boundaries isn’t love; it’s codependency. And it’s actually a hindrance in creating healthy love where both parties are mutually seen, heard, and respected.
The simple fact is, we need boundaries to be whole + healthy people. We need to know where we end and the other person begins so that we can create an equal partnership. Boundaries help with this by creating a container for our own energy + intuition so that we have the capacity to show up fully for those we love.
In this article, I’ll explain why having boundaries helps us create stronger, healthier relationships, and what to do if you’re experiencing guilt when setting them.
WHERE BOUNDARY GUILT COMES FROM
Let’s start at the very beginning: in Genesis. Our Judeo-Christian culture paints a pretty clear picture that the culpability of man’s fall from grace was bestowed upon Eve the moment that naughty minx gave into temptation and ate that forbidden fruit.
Since then, it seems us women have carried Eve’s burden, living with the weight of always being good, nice, and polite to make up for our foremother’s offensive sin.
As mothers, natural caretakers, and empaths, women are biologically programmed to be in tune with others. But on top of this we are conditioned to believe that our needs are less important than the group’s.
While boys are encouraged to compete, rough-house, and prove their unique abilities (often while using bragging as a form of friendly competition), girls are generally encouraged to “play nicely” while remaining humble, modest, and appeasing. Focusing too much on ourselves or bragging is considered self-centered or impolite.
And while being kind and thoughtful are by all means qualities we want good humans to possess (boys included) this conditioning leads girls to put the needs + comfort of others before our own, making it more challenging for us to set boundaries that will protect us and enable us to feel worthy of having a voice.
GUILTY DATING
Back in my single days, I only had a vague notion of what boundaries looked like. I knew I felt uncomfortable about things that would pop up with the guys I was seeing, but I didn’t know how to communicate my discomfort without offending them. (It was, after all, ingrained in me to be nice).
A common example was a guy offering to cook me dinner at their house very early on, sometimes on the first or second date. Having met most of these men online, I didn’t feel comfortable going to their houses so soon, knowing it would most likely would lead to us having sex. And I knew from experience that if we had sex too soon, it wouldn’t be long before I became attached and anxious and the whole thing would blow up in my face.
I might try saying something like “I’d feel more comfortable meeting you in public” for the first date, but by the second or third date my guilt would kick in. I’d convince myself that they were being romantic, and isn’t that what I wanted? Plus, I didn’t want to offend them or make them think I didn’t desire them.
At the same time, I had to maintain my cool, independent woman exterior. I didn’t want them to think I was prude, or boring, or difficult, or “not cool” (all misogynistic ideas I had internalized about myself).
In essence, I felt like if I said no, I’d be the reason for us not having a good time, which I imagined would lead to my being rejected and left. As a result of my own self-judgement, I found myself guilty as charged.
THE PROBLEM WITH GUILT IN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS
Both internalized guilt and guilt placed on us by others is a form of control, and when our actions come from this place we become prisoners in the relationship, rather than free agents.
Not only does guilt (and it’s close friend shame) “lead to depression, anxiety, and paranoia” according to brainfacts, org, but it also leads to inauthentic connections that often create resentment on the part of the person who’s been guilted.
When we are led by guilt, we aren’t showing up honestly. Instead, we are showing up as a representative of ourselves - someone who acts in our place but isn’t who we really are inside. This not only creates relationships that aren’t wholly genuine, but also prevents us from getting our needs met.
Attachment Theory teaches us that getting our needs met is the key to feeling secure in relationships, and feeling securely attached is as basic a human need as food and water.
If we are silent and go along with what others want for the sake of getting their needs met, resentment builds up and then trickles out in other ways, usually as passive aggressiveness or avoidance (neither of which nourish the trust needed to build true intimacy).
GUILT LOWERS OUR SENSE OF WORTH
Perhaps worst of all, guilt is a weapon that attacks our sense of self-worth. It preys on our kindness, enabling us to justify not listening to our needs.
Guilt tells us that another person’s needs + comfort is more important than our own, and each time we let someone walk all over our boundaries we are subconsciously telling ourselves we aren’t worth having our feelings heard + respected.
This creates a feedback loop whereby our low sense of self-worth keeps us from setting boundaries, and not setting boundaries reinforces our low sense of worth. But to have a truly healthy + lasting relationship, we first need to believe that we are worthy of it.
HOW TO SET HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
OK, let’s be honest - even if we know that our need to be nice doesn’t always serve us, we don’t exactly want to hurt others, either. So how do we balance asserting who we are while still respecting the other person’s needs?
Here are a few suggestions:
Practice speaking up from a feeling place.
Sometimes it can be challenging to find words to assert ourselves without making the other person feel bad or like their needs aren’t important. One of the most effective things you can do to communicate your needs to someone is using “I language” rather than “you language.” This immediately lowers someone’s defenses and makes them more willing to hear you out.
If you could use some suggestions on how to set boundaries with kindness, grab my Boundary Setting Script of 25 soft language prompts HERE.
Try reaching a compromise.
While some people see “compromising” as “settling,” the fact is that it’s a necessary part of relationships. After all, compromising is essentially a meeting in the middle of two people, which is needed for a relationship to healthfully function.
One way to make a compromise a win-win for both parties is by first getting clear on what both people would want in their perfect world, then working to see what can be done towards those goals. You may not get exactly what you were hoping for, but at least your needs will be known + acknowledged.
Learn to self-soothe through positive affirmations.
Back when I was deep in the trenches of my boundary guilt, it was my negative self-talk that kept me imprisoned. While the guilt sometimes came from others, for the most part it was my own internalized voice telling me I wasn’t being nice, or that I would be “uncool” or “difficult” if I didn’t go along with things.
Start trying to notice how you’re speaking to yourself when you find yourself feeling guilty, and see if you can actively tell yourself instead that you are a kind, wonderful human who deserves to be heard and respected.
Set clear parameters upfront — and own them.
Remember when I was struggling to tell a guy that I didn’t want to go to his house too soon? Well that issue was remedied when I started telling them off the bat that I feel more comfortable meeting in public for the first three dates (you can insert whatever amount of time is comfortable to you).
By sharing this information proactively and owning it, I set the precedent for it and therefore didn’t have to say “no.” When they’d eventually ask, it was usually after three dates because I’d already made my parameters on the matter clear. And if someone is a nice, normal human being (which we’re hoping they are) they will understand and respect your parameters.
NOTE: I know Covid can make it challenging to meet in public, but you can always get creative by meeting at a park, going on a walk, going to the beach, or, if you’re comfortable, doing outdoor dining. You may even come up with something more creative and romantic than you would have normally!
Get comfortable with the feeling of not being liked.
OK, I know this list is supposed to be about ways to feel express our boundaries while still being considerate, but at the end of the day, if someone isn’t respecting your feelings about something you’re not comfortable with, what else is there to do but let them be upset?
This can feel super uncomfortable at first, especially if you’re a woman and not used to the sensation. What I recommend the next time you feel guilt creeping up around a boundary you’d like to set is to sit back, close your eyes, and get very still. Then let yourself imagine what it would look + feel like for that person to be upset with you or not like you. Can you sit in the discomfort of this feeling?
If you can realize that this discomfort is the worst that may happen, you may find that you’re perfectly OK setting a boundary. After all, we’re not for everyone, and the people who we are for will have no problem supporting us on our journey to being our most authentic self.
TO WRAP UP…
While many women are raised to feel like being nice is the key to getting people to like us, the truth is that setting boundaries can actually make people like + respect us more. Modern men in particular appreciate a woman who is self-possessed and respects herself enough to say what she really feels.
Our culture’s history of making women feel guilty for speaking our minds and sharing our feelings has to be emotionally processed and let go of so that it can stop holding us hostage in our intimate relationships and allow us to start setting our boundaries guilt-free.
