Perfect Love is a Myth - So Here Are 5 Steps to Manifest REAL Life Love
Ah, true love.
It’s an ideal embedded in our cultural DNA, from legends of wars fought in its name, (remember Helen of Troy?) to our modern-day obsession with celebrity couples.
And yet, despite dating apps and websites making it easier than ever to meet people, many of us still aren’t any closer to recognizing true love, even when we do swipe right.
Take me for example. Just a month into dating my now fiance, I broke up with him.
I know—I’m the worst. But let me explain.
See, I’d always pictured myself with a spiritual, multilingual yogi who wore man-jewelry, experimented with hallucinogens, and hated organized sports (as I do).
I envisioned our meet-cute at an old bookstore, our eyes catching a glance between the dusty shelves ... (I may have watched a few too many romcoms).
Then I met Huck (my fiancé) on Tinder. (Not just a hook-up app!)
Huck is a single-language speaking atheist from Atlanta. He wears thick glasses and has the beard of a Viking. He doesn't experiment with drugs or wear man-jewelry, and he joyfully watches football. Every. Single. Fucking. Sunday.
I had swiped on him because I loved what he said in his profile, and because he has the sweetest grey-blue eyes I've ever seen.
And yet I ended things a month in, not because we didn't have great conversation (which we did) or because he wasn't awesome, or funny, or cute (which he was!)
I ended things because I couldn’t get over the fact that he didn't match the version of the dream guy that lived inside my head.
But after seven months of hearing a nagging inner voice whispering "Call him...he'd be good for you", I couldn't ignore my feelings any longer.
Today, this person I once dismissed as not perfect enough is my best friend and life partner.
We're obsessed with each other. It’s kind of gross, actually.
I shudder when I think about how close I was to letting this amazing partner slip through my fingers--and when I realize how many other female people are struggling to attract real love because of their own “true love” expectations.
What gives?
Here's what: the idea of true love is a deeply rooted cultural myth that actually prevents us from finding authentic, healthy, lasting love in real life.
In this article, I’ll tell you exactly why your quest for true love has sabotaged your love life — and the five steps to manifesting real love that lasts a lifetime. (Click here to get the checklist delivered right to your inbox.)
WHERE DID TRUE LOVE COME FROM?
We all know the classic fairytale trope of the princess being rescued by her perfect prince before riding into the sunset to live happily ever after. Nothing new here, right?
But what isn’t always clear is why this particular narrative is so damn powerful.
Despite the fact that modern women like us may look at these stories and scoff at their ridiculousness, it's hard to deny how deeply they’re ingrained in our cultural psyche — especially the feminine cultural psyche.
We only need to take one look at the multimillion dollar wedding industry to know this to be true.
And speaking of cultural psyche, who better to illustrate this idea than the personal growth icon and legendary Swiss psychoanalyst, Carl Jung?
Jung believed that humans share collective memories and impulses we unknowingly experience in the form of cultural archetypes and universal ideals. He named this concept the “collective unconscious.”
The most popular example of these archetypes living in our collective unconscious is the Hero’s journey. Pretty much any white male who stars in any blockbuster ever -- think Luke Skywalker, Indiana Jones, Jason Bourne -- is actually following the Hero’s journey.
Jung explained that we can't help but hold these cultural ideals, even if we aren't consciously identifying with them.
And — wouldn't you know it — the concept of true love is one such ideal.
WHAT IS TRUE LOVE?
Let's take a look at what are considered to be the hallmark characteristics of the True Love archetype in our western world:
True love is instant.
True love is mutual.
True love is magical.
True love is perfect.
True love is found and/or stumbled upon.
True love is worth fighting for.
True love lasts forever.
The combination of these ingredients make up the whole of our True Love archetype, and it informs our idea of what romantic love is supposed to look like.
WHY IS IDEAL LOVE PROBLEMATIC?
So this perfect love lives inside our heads, just by virtue of us existing as humans in the world.
And how could it not?
Between the incessant media messages we take in all our lives, from classic fairytales and Disney Princesses to romcoms and love songs — hell, even from our own family, friends, and religious institutions who have also been indoctrinated into this cultural fantasy — we cannot escape the idealistic expectation of true love.
And that expectation is influencing the reality of our romantic relationships, whether we like it or not.
While some of the above characteristics of true love may be the reality for a few people, they're certainly not true for the majority (otherwise dating apps and websites would be out of business).
THE TRUTH ABOUT TRUE LOVE
Statistically speaking, the instant, magical, and mutual aspects of "true love" (otherwise known as "love at first sight") are very improbable.
In fact, according to scientists at bigthink.com, “56% of Americans believe in love at first sight, and every third person reports that he or she has experienced it.”
This means that more than half of us expect to find love at first sight, but only a third of us actually experience it. And of that third, even less end in forever after.
And yet this myth continues on, showing up in our relationships in some not so cool ways...
It sets up unrealistic expectations about what romantic love should like, leading us to pass up perfectly good partners (who could actually make us happy!).
It makes us feel bad about ourselves when we can't find or manifest this expectation (a symptom of the patriarchy, but more on that later...).
In our perceived failure to find true love, we end up rejecting its existence altogether and thus settle for people who aren't good for us, treat us badly, or just generally don't appreciate our caring, thoughtful, unique, awesome selves.
REAL LOVE VS. TRUE LOVE
So should we just shut the door on love altogether? Forfeit the game? Throw in the towel?
I won't lie — I actively considered all of the above.
But that’s just because I didn’t know what real love looked like.
Once I was able to get grounded and realistic about what love was, I had a whole new perspective.
Huck didn’t sweep me off me feet, leaving me dizzy, speechless, or confused (as so many of my “true loves” before him had).
He stood calmly beside me -- he was present with me -- which made me feel strong, and appreciated, and seen in the here and now.
He took my gaze from out of the clouds and back down to Earth where he had been waiting for me all along.
Let’s be clear: getting our heads out of the clouds doesn't mean we are sacrificing happiness, romance, or even—believe it or not—magic.
In fact, if you take the below steps seriously (the same steps I took) I have every faith that you'll find love more magical than any fairytale could ever dream up.
5 STEPS FOR MANIFESTING MORE MAGICAL LOVE IN REAL LIFE
Start looking inward for love.
Think about the language we use to talk about love: we say we're "looking" for love, or hoping to "find" love. This language implies that love is something that exists outside of ourselves—and it's a problem.
Why?
Because rather than getting to know what we really think and want, we mold ourselves into a version of who we think others want us to be.
Not only does this focus on external validation lead us to certain unhappiness, it leads us astray from knowing (and accepting) who we really are, which is the key to unlocking authentic, lasting love.
And really, how can you find someone who's great for you when you don’t know who the real YOU is to begin with?
Embrace the self-love cliche and love the fuck out of yourself.
OK, I know this is probably the most reverberated cliche ever—that "you can't love someone else until you learn to love yourself"—but my friends, cliches endure because within them are little nuggets of universal truth. And what a nugget this is!
Not only is self-love a really lovely thing to experience, it actually attracts others to you and makes you a more empowered person.
This doesn't mean you're confident 24/7—in fact, it's just the opposite.
It means you love yourself enough to accept (and even embrace) your shortcomings. It alleviates your need to be "perfect" all the time, because you'll come to know that you're already perfect "just as you are." (Thank you, Bridget Jones' Diary).
Once you know how to love your own imperfections, it will set the tone for your partner to love them too. And it will make you a better partner because you'll know how to love someone despite—perhaps even because of—their endearing imperfections.
Hone your intuition.
While the word "intuition" can sometimes be thought of as "knowing the future" or having psychic ability, my favorite definition is from author, speaker, and teacher Caroline Myss, who in her book Anatomy of the Spirit describes intuition as a nagging sensation that won't leave you alone. (Remember that nagging whisper I kept hearing with Huck?).
Some simple ways to start hearing your intuition are to spend some time in nature, journal, pull a Tarot card, or find a meditation practice you jive with.
I also like to test my intuition in low-risk situations. A good one is when I get the impulse to grab my jacket before leaving the house--even if the weather report says I don't need it--and see if I end up using it.
Any little nudge like this beckoning you to do something--yep, that’s your intuition talking. If you hear it, try to stop and listen!
You may not be spot on at first, but getting in the habit of paying attention to our intuition helps us get to know when it’s talking to us, builds our trust with it, and creates more confidence in making important choices. You know, like deciding on your life partner.
Speak your truth like your every happiness depends on it (because it does).
At this point you probably realize that I'm big into honesty. And that's because honesty makes or breaks everything in a relationship.
If you don't have a partner currently, start getting honest with yourself, especially with your feelings that scare the bejesus out of you.
'Cause here's the thing: your feelings will be there even if you don't acknowledge them or bring them up.
Ignoring them, denying them, or convincing yourself out of them only makes them stronger, leading to resentment and explosive communication. And I can tell you from experience, all of the above are no bueno if you're trying to build health and trust with a partner.
Instead, practice stating your feelings in plain, simple, non-blaming language whenever you have the chance.
If your partner can’t handle your feelings, it’s better to know sooner than later. And if you can share your deepest vulnerabilities and still want to be around each other? Well that's when things really start to get magical.
Learn what your Attachment Style is.
If you haven't heard of Attachment Theory yet, you're welcome.
If you have, then you know that discovering your attachment style will literally blow your mind.
Attachment Theory gives us a lens through which to understand the triggers and unhelpful patterns that prevent us from manifesting the love we long for.
Learning your attachment style is like getting glasses after a lifetime of blurry vision; it makes all your relationships so much clearer.
For a quick 101, our blog post What's Relationship Attachment Theory and Why Should We Care? breaks down the basics of the psychology, which explains how and why we connect to others in the ways that we do.
TO WRAP UP ...
It's time to get real about true love! No more waiting around for it to appear in the perfect, untouchable form that lives inside our heads.
Real, more authentic love (that is even more magical than you expect) exists in the here and now, as long as you are willing to go deep and get honest with who you really are and what you really want.
