How Marriage is Connected to Our Limiting Beliefs — And 5 Ways to Reframe Them
"Why are you still single?"
This simple question plagued me for most of my twenties and into my thirties.
People would ask it in earnest, but it always sounded accusatory to me, like it was somehow my fault, or that I knew why I was single and was secretly doing it just to fuck with everyone.
While my parents were products of second-wave feminism and made sure to tell me I could do whatever I wanted in life, the message I got from the world at large remained loud and clear:
I wasn't a whole person until I was married.
To begin with, I was born in the mid-eighties, and like every other self-respecting little girl born in the mid-eighties, I grew up thinking I was a Disney Princess.
Watching Belle swing longingly across shelves of books, I knew that one day, I too, would have my very own bookshelf ladder.
And you better believe I was jumping out from behind the couch alongside Ariel as she burst forth from the sea in song, her shining red hair billowing beautifully around her as she promised Prince Eric that she would — one day — be part of his world.
And though these Princesses showed guts, and courage, and even independent thinking, they always — always — got married in the end.
Later on, this same message showed up in the form of constant queries from family and friends into my dating life. Everyone always had a neighbor's friend's nephew's cousin who was cute and single.
Then there were the comments: "Don't worry, it will happen for you." "Now we just need to get you married off." Because soon, I may not be worth as many goats, right? Right.
And while many of these inquiries were made with best intentions, the sum of my experience over the years created in me two intense and opposing feelings:
1) Deep longing to find a life partner (and the sneaking suspicion there was something seriously wrong with me that I couldn't).
2) Resentment at feeling like I wasn't complete until a 3 karat diamond was sitting delicately upon my finger.
The fact is, we females spend our entire lives being told that our self-worth is dependent on getting married in the end (i.e. before thirty, when we inevitably become haggard spinster ladies), and much of what we feel and do in our lives is in service to that eventuality.
This not only teaches us to look outward for validation, rather than inward, it also makes many of us feel less-than when we don't "achieve it" within a culturally acceptable time frame.
After years of rebelling against the idea of marriage for these very reasons, I am now happily engaged to my life partner and best friend.
But I know I wouldn't be in this happy relationship had I not gone on my own inward quest first, slaying my own dragons and cultivating radical acceptance for whatever fate awaited me.
In this post, I'll lay out why marriage as a life goal is largely responsible for female individuals' limiting beliefs and how we value (or devalue) ourselves, and five ways to start reframing those beliefs right now so you can get started on your own quest towards more authentic and lasting love — whether with yourself or with a partner.
To get to know your limiting beliefs better, download by Inner Critic Audit checklist right here.
If you’d like to explore these limiting beliefs in a personal setting, click here to receive info on my Face Your “Fears" Intro 1:1 Coaching Special, happening now through Halloween!
MARRIAGE + FEMALE CONFIDENCE
Let's start with a brief history lesson.
Marriage is a tradition dating back thousands of years, and while it began as a financial contract between men (with women as property), these days it's primarily a legal contract between the two or more people getting married who enter into it freely and of their own volition.
We may not be considered property anymore in a "legal" sense, but females today are still owned by these patriarchal concepts deeply rooted in our minds, as seen in our continued belief that marriage will validate us, and prove to all (including ourselves) that we are lovable, worthy human beings.
PRIMED FOR PERFECTION
So how to ensure we'll be "chosen" for the status of wife and mother? By learning to be as perfect as possible from a very young age, from how we look to how we interact with and present to others.
In our dominant heteronormative culture, the obsession with our outward appearances is only the tip of the iceberg in terms of how we women are groomed for marriage.
To start with, women (conventionally speaking) are the ones who wear makeup to attract men. And it's women who receive messaging that to be size 0-4 is ideal (have you ever seen a Disney Princess who was bigger?).
Anorexia and Bulimia are still more common among females than males, and don't even get me started on the perils of Selfie culture.
But it's not enough for females to feel the need to look perfect; we have to be perfect as well.
MALE VS. FEMALE CONFIDENCE
Claire Shipman (Good Morning America) and Katty Kay (BBC) are TV personalities, journalists, and co-authors of several New York Times best-selling books about women's confidence including Womenomics and The Confidence Code.
An article titled "The Confidence Gap" was published about their work in The Atlantic in 2014, explaining how "evidence shows women are less self-assured than men."
The article sites a study done by Hewitt Packard that found "women working at Hewitt Packard applied for a promotion only when they believed they met 100% of the qualifications listed for the job. Men were happy to apply when they thought they could meet 60% of the requirements."
The article goes on to say:
"At HP and in study after study, the data confirms what we instinctively know. Under-qualified and under-prepared men don't think twice about leaning in. Over-qualified and over-prepared, too many women still hold back. Women feel confident only when they are perfect, or practically perfect."
WHY DO WOMEN DOUBT THEMSELVES?
Needless to say, our need to be outwardly perfect has very real, inward consequences. It's no coincidence that we females apologize more, are harder on ourselves, and have a more difficult time accepting compliments than our male counterparts.
And should this surprise us? Think of the incessant and often times contradictory messages we get about how we "should" be as females:
Be smart, but don't be a know-it-all.
Be pretty, but don't be shallow.
Go for what you want, but don't be selfish.
Be confident, but don't be arrogant.
Be strong, but still soft.
Speak up, but not too loudly.
Be a boss, but don't be a bitch.
And on and on and on ...
Add to this the constant pressure we are under (often from ourselves) to "take care" of everything and everyone — from housework to our jobs, partners, children, friends, siblings, parents — putting everyone's feelings and needs before our own, and doing it all with that expected smile. (I'm tired just writing about it!)
This isn't to say that men (cis white men in particular) don't have insecurities that are enhanced by outside societal pressure, but the big difference is that their self-worth is not defined by how we females — or the world at large — view them.
But for women it’s often just the opposite — we tend to value ourselves based on how we are valued by men and the patriarchal ideals they’ve historically put in place for us.
CONFIDENCE + LOVE
The kicker of it all is that self-confidence plays a major role in cultivating satisfying relationships. How many times have you heard a man say he wants a "confident" woman? I know I heard it A LOT. And it always made me feel really small.
Because the truth is, I didn't actually know what real confidence looked or felt like.
When I thought about being confident, my mind would conjure an image of me walking down the street with a bounce in my step, looking badass in a pair of wedges, my body looking awesome and my makeup on fleek.
I wanted to project being the type of woman who gets shit done in the boardroom and in the bedroom. A woman who's "a lady in the streets, but a freak in the bed."
But that image wasn't how I felt inside, not in the least.
Inside, I knew I had all these great qualities and capabilities, but I also had a lot I was self-conscious about, and knew it was only a matter of time before whomever I was attempting to date would find me out for who I "really" was and reject me completely.
I didn't feel like I could show any vulnerability. I had to maintain this perfect image I had been fed of what a confident woman is supposed to look like.
What I didn't realize was that I was battling with a core, limiting belief that I wasn't worthy of love.
WHAT IS A LIMITING BELIEF?
A limiting belief in its most basic form is a story we tell ourselves about us or the world that limits us in some way. Some common limiting beliefs are "I'm not _____ enough" or "I can't do that" or "No one will ever love me."
These stories directly affect how we feel about ourselves, and subsequently, how we show up in the world.
Moreover, they're extremely toxic, not only because they stunt our potential to be the most awesome version of ourselves, but also because they operate on the subconscious level — targeting our belief system itself.
And, if you didn't know, a belief is something we accept as true.
HOW TO REFRAME LIMITING BELIEFS
While I wish I could flick a magic wand and make all our limiting beliefs disappear, reframing our core belief system takes more than a puff of fairytale magic.
For me, it's taken examining my limiting beliefs close up and seeking support and resources for ways to shift my consciousness to think about them — and myself — differently.
This is definitely a process and not something that will happen overnight, but here are 5 ways to start reframing your core beliefs right now.
Get to know your Inner Critic.
We all have one of these — that annoying, judge-y voice constantly telling us we can't do it, so what's the point in trying? It's this same voice that reinforces the messaging that we're stupid, or silly, or unfair, or pushy, or too demanding, or selfish, or ... (you get the idea).And the way core beliefs work, we often hear that voice and assume it to be true.
But what if it wasn't? What if it was just a manifestation of all our fears, our ego's way of keeping us safe?
The only way to find the answer is to get to know your Inner Critic — and get to know it well. What does it say? When does it say it? When is it loud? When is it quiet?
I encourage you to practice stream of consciousness writing to start seeing your core beliefs in action. This will start to reveal what core beliefs you hold about yourself, and naming them is the first step in reframing them.
To get to know your limiting beliefs better, download by Inner Critic Audit checklist right here.Cultivate a Growth Mindset.
We humans fall into two types of basic mindsets: a Fixed Mindset and a Growth Mindset.
A fixed mindset means we believe we are born with certain inherent traits — intelligence, ambition, humor etc. The concept of a "prodigy" is an example of a Fixed Mindset.
People with fixed mindsets believe that there's nothing they can do to change who they are, because they were born that way. If they're awesome at something, it's a reflection of their natural talents. But if they fail at something, they deem themselves a "failure" and conclude that there's no point in trying because that's just how they are.
Growth Mindset people are a bit different. They believe that, while we are perhaps born with some innate abilities, those abilities can be altered based on our environments, experiences, and personal will.
If they're great at something, it's most likely because they worked really friggin' hard at it. And if they fail, well — they learn something from it and try again.
The key here is paying attention to the language you use when you talk to yourself. Do you tell yourself you "are" a failure? Or do you say, "I'm just not good at that ... yet"? This subtle shift in language can make a huge difference in how we start to view and feel about ourselves.
Seek out a Coach and/or Therapist.
Being a coach, it's probably not surprising that I would suggest this. But I became a coach for this very reason — to help people (especially female people) sort through what's holding them back, and set about going after their desires with confidence. I also know that my life changed considerably when I started seeing a therapist.
Now, coaches and therapists work in similar realms, but they don't play the same role.
Whereas a therapist is educated and licensed to diagnose mental health issues, a coach is not. A therapist is mainly about talking and processing while a coach provides tangible tools and helps you establish specific goals (both internal and external) to move you towards forward momentum.
Both are helpful and many people have one or both (they are actually best working in tandem). Either way, having someone who helps you understand your core beliefs and take action to change them will undoubtedly prove worthwhile in the long run.
Practice Radical Acceptance.
The powerful concept of Radical Acceptance is a buddhist idea, and can be applied to any aspect of your life, from the day-to-day to your biggest hopes and dreams.
The idea is simple: accept life as it is.
Of course this is easier said than done, as it takes a major shift in consciousness, but I promise it's worth it!
After a therapist friend told me about the book Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of the Buddah by Tara Brach, Ph.D., I tried it to apply it to my own life by imagining all the ways that my life could be amazing that didn't have to do with getting married.
Maybe I was meant to be a career woman who traveled for work, spending my days taking lovers in far-off places and dining with new friends night after night…
As irony would have it, only when I accepted my life on my own terms and let go of the idea of ever getting married did my now-fiancé reveal himself to me.
The point here? When we open ourselves up to life and accept it (and ourselves) as we are, the possibilities for what could make us happy become radically endless.
Find out your Attachment Style.
I mention this A LOT, and it's for good reason!
The fact is, limiting beliefs come from a variety of places — our family, our culture, and how we're socialized through race and gender (as we've talked about here). However, many of our initial core, limiting beliefs come from our Attachment Styles.
In particularly, they come from forming Insecure Attachments as children, where we got the message from our caretaker(s) that we were unworthy of love. (Our post What's Relationship Attachment Theory and Why Should We Care? goes into this in more detail).
Finding out your Attachment Style will reveal to you where some of your deepest limiting beliefs come from and will start making you more aware of when you are feeling and acting from that core wound.
TO WRAP UP
We all have limiting beliefs. However, female people are particularly vulnerable to limiting beliefs due to patriarchal conditioning from a young age, which includes socializing girls and women to make marriage their goal in life.
Being aware of our personal limiting beliefs allows us to start noticing how they show up in our lives, and will help us start healing our relationships with ourselves and others.